Dr. Ramey, executive director of the Dayton Children's Hospital Center for Pediatric Mental Health Resources, found validity in a lot of what Dr. Sax said, but also took issue with a few points.
The next question is for any parent who may be questioning their parenting approach in the aftermath of this debate is how to turn the tide.
Here is Dr. Ramey's advice on how to reverse a cycle of ineffective and unhealthy parenting:
FOR ALL AGE GROUPS:
1. Clarity of rules
Ramey: Kids generally do better when rules are clear as opposed to ambiguous and uncertain. That's as true with a 4-year-old as it is with a 14-year-old, or as it is with a 24-year-old. It is just a matter of translating that language for a 4-year-old and 14-year-old. To hit that right balance point, in parenting, clarity of rules is pretty much number one.
2. Consistency
Ramey: I joke a lot about this. If parents were consistent with their consequences, half the child psychologists in this country could be unemployed. It is really about getting parents to follow through with what they say they are going to do. That is as important with a young child as it is with a teenager.
3. Avoid being child-centric.
Ramey: Don't make your child the center of your life. I realize that this is difficult to do because kids are kind of cool, and it's easy to set them in the center of our world and make the world revolve around them. That's a bad message for kids. That's a bad message for your spouse, and that's a bad message for yourself. It is sometimes very important to say to kids, "I know you want x, but right now it's more important that your dad and I have time alone so we are not going to do it." That doesn't tell a child that they are unimportant, just the opposite. It tells a child that what is important in the family is the family. Avoiding that child-centric type of environment is probably one of the most important things parents can do.
4. Avoid extremes
Ramey: Avoid extremes by focusing on a few things that matter. One of the questions I ask parents when I meet with them is to tell me a few things that they really think are important to their family. By focusing on a few things that matter, parents can be more effective in hitting that sweet spot of balance, rather than making everything important. When you tell your kids the few things that matter, which typically have something to do with moral values, relationships and self-control, you focus on those and you're more effective in achieving goals that are more modest than by trying to work on many things and achieving nothing.
FOR YOUNGER KIDS:
1. Develop a routine
Ramey: By routines, I mean focusing on things like meal times, bed times and things like studying. Younger kids really need that and it sets them apart. It enforces the emotion that the parent is in control and that routines, in general for young kids, give them a sense of comfort and security.
2. Get your child's opinion
Ramey: This is where I will disagree with the authoritarian parents — "these are my rules, this is how I say you need to do it." I think it's really important to seek the opinion of children on rules and different activities but always make it clear that the parents make the decision, not the kids. So I may ask my 8-year-old, "What would you like for dinner?" and seek their opinion. But I would not let my 8-year-old decide what we have for dinner every night.
Ramey: So the way you do that is, before you ask a child their opinion, you manage their expectations. "We're going to go out somewhere tonight. I am not sure where we are going to go. Let's all give our opinion and figure out what we do." So when you set the expectations like that, the child no longer feels like what they are going to say is going to be what happens. So for the younger kids, clarifying expectations, developing routines are the two really important things.
FOR OLDER KIDS:
1. Link privileges to performance
Ramey: For older kids who are looking more at increased responsibility and freedom, the most important message is to line up their privileges with their performance. By that I mean, when I am working with kids here, I tell them I am going to help them get as many privileges as their behavior justifies. There is that direct relationship between their level of responsibility and performance and the privileges that they get.
2. Act as a coach
Ramey: As problems arise, parents should begin to step back and act less as the people in control dictating a solution to their teens' problem, and rather act more like the coach of a sports team that is saying "OK, here's a problem, how do you think we might deal with this or that.' Teach them the problem solving steps. Beginning in the teen years, the parents need to be acutely aware that their goal is to make themselves unnecessary, so the need to act more as a coach to their kids on how to solve problems, rather than mandating the solution of what they are going to do. Those are the two key things that I focus on with older kids.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SETTING SMALL GOALS:
Ramey: Let's take an example of a parent that is permissive, and they know that they give in over meal times, and they know they give in over bath times, and they give in with bedtime routines and all of that stuff, and life feels overwhelming. When I see those parents in my office, what I say is focus on one time of the day when you think you can be strong enough to set a reasonable goal, and forget about everything else. That drives parents crazy because they want to change everything in that McDonald's fast-food mentality. I want it fast. I want it easy. I want it quick. That's just not the way life works.
Ramey: So, an example of a small goal may be that the parents set up a bedtime routine and stick to it every night. So they forget about the problems during meal time, they forget about the homework, they forget about all that other stuff, but they develop a routine for a younger child where their child starts their bath, they get all their stuff out at 8 p.m., at 8:30 p.m. they have a small snack and they read their story and then at 9 p.m. they are in bed. That same routine — whatever it is — and there is no good or bad routine, you just have to figure out what works for the family. Whatever the routine is for that small child, the parent knows that event if they give in for the entire day, they are going to save their psychic energy for that one hour of the day in which a goal regarding bedtime is going to be set, communicated and enforced.
Dr. Ramey also writes FamilyWise, a weekly parenting column for the Dayton Daily News.
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