I have my priorities in order. The “glass half empty/half full” myth cannot trick yours truly.
I know that above all else, we must remain balanced and controlled.
While there are millions of reasons for cheer — family, friends, Doritos brand favored tortilla chips — we can’t afford to run around like happy buffoons.
A storm can pop up anytime and they — yeah, THEY — can swoop down and make off with our precious bodily fluids.
Being captured by THEY does not sound like fun.
A little negative peppered in with all of this goodwill towards men foolishness is a very good thing.
So as we prepare to sit around the Thanksgiving table and express our appreciation for life, liberty and Taylor Swift’s latest album, let us pause to think about all the things we are unthankful for.
Here’s my incomplete list:
1. Bills: Can't someone else pay them?
2. Chicken: They are murderous mutants.
3. Vicks NyQuil Cold Medicine: It tastes horrible no matter the 'flavor.'
4. Other drivers: Why don't they go away?
5. Dry scalp: Head And Shoulders shampoo is no consolation prize.
6. Mosquitoes: Mean-spirted.
7. Holes in my tights: You never know until it is too late.
8. Arm waddle: Where did it come from and why won't it go away?
9. Relatives: You can move, but they will always text you.
10. Trans fat: Why does everything so bad for you taste so good?
11. Swine Flu: The Money Flu — victims throw up hundred dollar bills — would be so much more appealing.
12. Last call: The party just got started.
13. John Gosselin: Fifteen minutes up, someone stop the meathead.
14. North Korea: None of the popular kids want to be its friend.
15. The monster in my backseat: It won't stop stealing the pens out of my cup holder.
16. Muffin top: You may be baked to a golden brown, but you do not make me hungry.
17. Remakes of '80s and '90s TV shows: "What's next, "Kate & Allie 2010?"
18. Tyler Perry movies: I am just jealous.
19. Runny eggs: Disgusting!
20. Looking on the brighter side of things: It is soooooo 2009.
>Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2384 or arobinson@Dayton DailyNews.com.
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