However, they knew that growing up gay would confront Joel with problems that his heterosexual peers would never have to face. Deciding whether to date in high school was one of them.
Joel went on some group dates with other kids, and even went out a few times with a girl.
However, he kept busy with school activities and told his guy friends that he didn’t have time for any relationships.
He lied. The truth was that he found several of his male friends very attractive and had emotional feelings for them.
What happens in therapy with someone like Joel? I first spent time with Joel and his parents discussing their questions about sexual orientation.
Homosexuality is not a mental disorder. It is probably no more of a choice than one’s hair color, although some experts think otherwise. Sexual orientation is not a psychological death sentence. The parents’ hopes and dreams for their gifted son could still be realized.
My individual sessions with Joel were intense. He was quite mature for his age, and he was remarkably comfortable with his sexual orientation. He felt loved by his parents, had many friends in school and was looking forward to attending an excellent college in a few years.
His question to me was simple. Should he risk all the wonderful things in his life for the sake of dating other boys?
I directed Joel to various Web sites and asked him to reflect upon the experiences of other gay youth who had confronted that dilemma.
Joel liked to write, so one week he wrote a passionate argument why he should be public about his sexual preferences.
The following week, he wrote just as strong an essay about why he should wait until college to disclose his sexual orientation. The risks of self-disclosure were not worth endangering his wonderful high school years.
One of the saddest things about youngsters like Joel is the intense sense of loneliness they feel. He had many good friends — but was terrified of his friends knowing about his homosexuality.
Joel decided to forgo dating until college. Living a lie wasn’t more important than losing those friendships.
Growing up is hard enough for all young people. It doesn’t seem right that gay teens need to bear this terrible burden.
Teachers, coaches, therapists and others who say they really care about kids ought to be concerned about all kids and do whatever we can to create a safer world for gay teens.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey.
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