If I bring her candy or flowers, it will indicate that I have no imagination. If I give her something slinky from Victoria's Secret, she'll think I only have one thing on my mind, which is not entirely true, at least not during pro football season. If I present her with a diamond in a little blue box from Tiffany's, she'll assume I have a guilty conscience and probably am having an affair with my secretary, even though I don't have a secretary and never did. (On the other hand, if I did have a secretary with whom to have an affair, my wife might forgive me if I gave her a diamond from Tiffany's; a lot would depend on the size of the diamond.)
So I probably have nothing to lose if I express my eternal love and devotion by naming a cockroach after her.
Naming a cockroach after one’s sweetheart and/or spouse has become an annual tradition at the Bronx Zoo. For a $10 contribution, the zoo not only will name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after the loved one of your choosing, it will send him or her a handsome digital certificate. For an extra $15, it will throw in a box of chocolates from a Brooklyn candy company. (If I were the president of that company, I’m not sure I’d want my product to be known as the candy with the cockroaches, but that’s just me.)
Admittedly, not everyone is a big fan of cockroaches, but that’s because they are widely misunderstood. Your average cockroach has a lot of fine qualities, which is a lot more than you can say for your average presidential candidate. For instance:
• Entomologists have determined that a cockroach can hold its breath for as long a seven minutes. I don’t know how they can tell when a cockroach is holding its breath, but entomologists are a lot smarter than I am.
• They can reproduce asexually, which is a lot easier than having to hook up with someone, especially for cockroaches who are socially awkward or exceptionally homely.
• They eat decaying vegetation, which provides nourishment for small mammals who, in turn, provide nourishment for large animals who, in turn, provide nourishment for persons such as ourselves. And cockroach poop will help your garden grow. That’s something to think about when you sit down for dinner tonight.
• They make a satisfying crunching sound when you step on them.
So maybe naming a cockroach for your loved one — which you can do by clicking here — is not such a bad idea, after all.
If nothing else, it will be a Valentine’s Day he or she will never forget.
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