But why keep all of this knowledge to myself when there are book deals to be inked?
My book, “Dictate it Out: Effective Employee Management in a Wayward World,” would surely make a mint in the lucrative self-help book industry.
Suze Orman and Dr. Phil have already paved the way. I could be the Iyanla Vanzant of helping managers kick lazy, good-for-nothing workers in the backside and keeping the competent ones from getting too uppity.
You have got to show them whose boss.
While I have never managed anything but to get myself in trouble, I have this one down.
Trust me, I've done a reasonable amount of research on the subject from the inside. As a bonus, I've been watching a lot of "Sanford and Son" reruns lately and am ready to whip out a "you big dummy" at a moment's notice.
“I need those reports you big dummy.”
“You big dummy, I asked for American cheese and Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise on the side.”
Besides, there are plenty of people writing about relationships who should be on “Divorce Court.”
The plan is to make a heap of money from the book and hire a bunch of people to carry my hats. Hats are going to be Rich Amelia’s ‘thing.’
I am willing to give a little away for free because, like any effective manager, I pretend to be very, very generous.
Here are descriptions of my upcoming book’s extremely interesting and important chapters:
Chapter One: The big ‘figure it out’
These are the three words that every effective manager should keep in his or her toolbox: "figure it out." Not only is figure it out empowering, but it is as persuasive as holy heck.
It can be spoken softly to convey confidence as in, "I have faith in you, employee, and I am sure you will figure it out."
Or it can be screamed: "Stop dillydallying around and figure it out."
Either way, your employees will be impressed.
Chapter Two: Getting your dreams executed
Everyone has dreams, even managers. Simply remove those dreams and replace them with the company’s goals. ‘Your’ new dreams could be as complicated as making a million extra smackeroos for your company or as simple as motivating your staff to order blue highlighters instead of yellow ones.
It is your responsibility, no, it is your obligation to convey this dream to your employees.
The Execute My Dream (EMD) philosophy is a simple one and requires you to point forcefully and wave your arms up and down if tasks are not being performed adequately.
Water boarding
While I do not condone torture, per se, what the HR department doesn’t know won’t hurt you. A little water boarding might be what you need to get those reports out faster.
Dogs aren’t the only ones who like frequent treats. If my years as a minion have taught me anything, it’s that minions like rewards. Money is the best gift of all, but we also like shiny objects like silver star stickers. At least try to bribe your employees. Start with a quarter and work your way up to a five spot.
You’d be surprised by what some people will do for a few extra dollars. Don’t believe me? Make it ‘rain’ in the break room and watch productivity skyrocket.
Play mama
Everybody wants to be mama’s favorite. Earning your employees’ affection can only help your bottom-line. Bring in cookies, but do not offer back rubs or forehead kisses. Also avoid spanking your workers. While potentially pleasurable, that tactic could be dangerous.
Contact this columnist at arobinson@DaytonDailyNews.com or Twitter.com/DDNSmartMouth
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