For good.
I understand what it’s like to be unwanted. When I was 12, I saw a girl who made my heart go pitter-patter, and I wondered if she would like me too. I never found out because anytime I would walk by her, she would smile and giggle with her friends while looking through me like I was a ghost in The Others (one of the creepiest horror movies ever, by the way. It’s worth a watch).
But you have approached me four times now, and each time I’ve rejected you. The first two times were simply an annoyance, like the guy who always makes your sandwich with mayo when you didn’t want it. You just scrape that off and move on.
But that third time? I’m not sure if long COVID is a thing, but I was sick for three months. I was forgetful, which is a double-edged sword because I wish I could have forgotten you. My appetite waned, and my sense of smell came and went. Finally, you got the hint, gave up, and left. But it was 12 weeks of misery.
That was in 2023, the last time we saw each other. I had grown tired of you, a tempestuous vixen that refused to let me go. I moved on to other viruses like the rhinovirus (common cold), influenza, and — my favorite — rhinosinusitis (a sinus infection). I get those regularly for short periods of time, but with medication, it moves along quickly.
Unlike you.
Here we are again, for the fourth time. That’s right. Three rejections weren’t enough. You had to try again.
Why can’t you take no for an answer?
Obviously, you think I’m some kind of COVID catch because you can’t stay away from me, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many boosters I get (I’ve lost count). And even if I wanted you — and let me make clear, I do not — I would never freely give to you the immune cells in the lungs, the interstitial macrophage, just so you could have your way with me.
Besides, I simply can’t trust you because you’re the biggest philanderer of all time. One body isn’t enough. You crave hundreds of thousands.
The Centers for Disease Control estimates COVID cases in Ohio are growing, though hard numbers are now hard to come by. I bet you like that because you can fly under the radar and into the bodies of unsuspecting partners.
Regardless, your spread isn’t going away. One crowd-source site claims more than 2,600 self-reported cases of COVID symptoms in Dayton’s 45402 ZIP code in the last three weeks. You simply can’t keep your severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 to yourself.
You may be confusing your infection with affection, which is like confusing love and lust. And it’s clear you’re jealous because, due to your contagion, you kept me away from family and friends for a week. Every time I thought I felt better — no more sneezing, running nose, aches and pains — you slowly crept back into my life, making me listless, sleepy and tired. My chest hurt with a heart not beating for you.
In his book The Angel Experiment, James Patterson asks, “What’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?”
You can’t have me, despite your yearning. Maybe, over time, you’ll see that.
And if in the future you find yourself longing for me, know that I find your friends cold and flu more attractive. I can get rid of them more easily.
Ray Marcano’s column appears on these pages each Sunday.
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