A magician uses words or body movements to manipulate your focus away from where the “magic” is really occurring. This misdirection allows the deception to occur.
Kids do the same thing, using certain phrases to distract you from the real issue. This typically occurs when a child wants something or is being corrected for some misdeed.
Here’s how it works. You are reminding your teen that she cannot obtain her learner’s permit until her grades improve. Rather than asking for help with her studies, your teen responds that “you don’t trust me.” Misdirection! You get into an extended discussion about trust, rather than focus on your teen’s irresponsible school behavior.
Here are some of the more common phrases used by kids to accomplish their magic act. “You do the same thing.” “You love (insert the name of a sibling) more than me.” “It’s not fair.” “You never care about what I think.” “I can’t wait until I move out of the house!”
These misdirection techniques tend to cluster around a few common themes.
First, be wary of any time your child uses the words “always” or “never.” Those are typically successful strategies in putting parents on the defensive, manipulating them into a futile discussion with their kids.
Second, use of the words “trust” or “love” are incredibly effective distraction techniques. When a child proclaims that you don’t trust her, even the most skillful parent is tempted to engage in a long lecture to proclaim their love for their child. Meanwhile, the child’s misbehavior somehow gets relegated to a lower priority.
Finally, be cautious whenever your child tries to justify their behavior by referencing peers or siblings. “You let (older sibling) do this” is always a misdirection technique!
Here are the four steps to deal with this trickery.
1. Ignore the misdirection. Remember that the intent of misdirection is to manipulate your attention away from an issue of substance. Responding to these comments rewards your child's duplicity. There is absolutely nothing you can say in response to a misdirection that will result in your child saying, "Oh. I guess you are right!"
2. Restate your expectations and consequences. This is not the time for debate or discussion.
3. Give a rationale. As kids enter their preteen years, it's important that they understand, albeit not always agree with the reasons behind your guidance. Keep it simple.
4. End on a positive. Say something genuinely nice about your child and express confidence in them.
Next week: Caution! Cinderella is dangerous to your children's mental health.
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