“The Walking Dead” will be back for another season on AMC. Syfy will air “ZNation.” Deceased humans hungry for brains will stalk the CW on “iZombie.” An affiliate of Spanish-language Telemundo will have Hispanic zombies wandering in search of “sesos.”
And, while all of those brain-searchers sound like better company than the blabbers on brain-dead “reality” shows, I don’t understand the fear factor of zombies. Of all the things that go bump in the night, they frighten me the least.
Even when I was a kid the thought of zombies chasing me wasn’t enough to give me bad dreams. Based on the movies I saw, all they ever did was lurch around with bandages dangling from their arms. I may have been the slowest player on my junior varsity football team, but I knew I could outrun any zombie that ever died. Besides, if it was brains they were hungry for, I wouldn’t have been a prime target.
Not that I’m the most fearless viewer who ever sat in front of a screen. The thought of little green men driving flying saucers always worried me, especially after they kidnapped Elvis. And I’ll admit to being a little spooked by “Jaws,” even though we don’t have a lot of sharks here in Ohio.
Still, if they want to get me on the edge of my recliner, the networks are going to have to show me stuff that’s a bit more realistic, such as hockey-masked men with chainsaws, crazed motel operators with long knives and vengeful ex-wives with lawyers.
Because zombies are a big yawn.
But then, vampires don’t scare, me much, either. Maybe that’s because I can identify with them. Sleeping all day and running around all night pretty much summed up my four years of college
Giant apes and Japanese reptiles on steroids never were a concern, because they only stomped around in urban areas, climbing or crushing large buildings; you never saw Godzilla or any of his relatives squishing barns, silos or suburban sheds filled with rider mowers. Or King Kong climbing a Taco Bell.
And I ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Having no actual physical substance, the worst they can do is jump out at you and say “boo.”
Of course, zombies aren’t the only things that will invade our flat screens this fall. The networks also have scheduled several programs about the wheelers and dealers in our nation’s capitol.
Washington politicians … now those are some scary creatures.
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