“Teach me some psychological tricks to get a girlfriend,” he pleaded rather earnestly.
I initially discounted his question with a few humorous comments, and told Tyler there were no tricks to get people to like you.
As I listened more carefully to his extraordinary efforts to get a girlfriend, I realized his desperation had driven him to act in ways that were silly, superficial, and ineffective.
Here are three alternative strategies that I asked him to consider.
Being yourself is the best person to be
It doesn’t make any sense to act like someone you are not in order to get someone to like you.
You want a friend to like the real you, not some pretend version that is fabricated just to appear attractive to another.
Friendships are based upon shared interests.
We connect with people who have similar values, hobbies and lifestyles.
Tyler loved playing video games and wanted to get into computer graphics when he got older, but told others that he liked to read every night in order to impress them.
I reiterated the sage advice of Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
People want to be around nice people
People like to be around others who are positive, kind, and respectful.
Such people help us feel good about ourselves and make it easier to deal with the daily frustrations and annoyances that are a normal part of life.
Our happiness is more due to the conscious decisions we make every day, rather than having numerous things or attaining certain achievements.
The way we think about the world is greatly influenced by the people we let into our lives.
If you hang around others who are pessimistic, sarcastic, whiny, and egocentric, you can expect their behaviors to influence you.
Behave like a good friend
I asked Tyler to reflect for a few moments on the special friends he had in his life.
He described them as “good listeners,” “always there for me,” “easy to talk to,” and “do anything to help me.”
To get a friend, you have to be a friend.
I advised Tyler to stop acting so desperate when he was around girls, and to get to know them as people rather than trying to impress them in silly ways.
On Facebook, I can click a button and instantly make someone my friend.
In the real world, meaningful friendships take time and lots of effort.
“Those don’t sound like psychological tricks to me” observed Tyler.
“They’re not.” I responded. “That is exactly why they just may work!”
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at
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