Because it’s a journalist’s duty to take courageous stands on important issues, here’s my courageous stand on an important issue:
Get rid of the thimble.
I’m not normally so opinionated. Generally I can look at any controversy and weasel like a politician about it. But when Hasbro announced last week that it’s conducting a fan vote on Facebook to eliminate one of the tokens from Monopoly I couldn’t, in good conscience, remain silent.
The thimble has to go.
I realize this is a controversial stance and may result in heated emails from members of the National Thimble Association, insisting that their right to carry concealed thimbles is protected by the Constitution. But sometimes you just gotta stand up for what you believe if the issue is important enough.
And this clearly is an important issue. So important that a reported 10 million Facebook addicts have taken time off from sending each other pictures of their kids and dogs to weigh in on it.
“There’s a love affair with the token that each player has settled on over time,” observes a Monopoly expert who has written three books about the game. “It’s very seldom that you see a player not care about what token represents them on the game board.”
An online oddsmaker even has posted probabilities, listing the wheelbarrow as a 2-1 choice to never again pass Go. Another shortshot at 5-1 is the flat iron, which has little relevance for a generation that, judging by the state of its apparel, has no idea what an iron is or what it could be used for.
But while both of those finished ahead of the thimble, which has odds of 6-1, at least they have some function. You can wheel your barrow around the board. The iron can be used to press the money you got when your little brother landed on your Boardwalk. Or, at least, you can bonk him on the head with it.
You can zoom your race car from Baltic to Kentucky. You can trot your Scottie from New Jersey to Marvin Gardens. You can float your battleship and walk your shoe.
But a thimble? What good is a thimble and what does it have to do with Monopoly? So I say get on Facebook, vote off the useless thimble and urge your friends to do the same.
If you happen to be a thimble fan, though, I apologize for this strong opinion and hope I haven’t offended you.
It’s just that I haven’t felt this passionately about casting a ballot since last November, which is when I spent half an hour speed-dialing to vote for dumping Kirstie Alley from “Dancing With the Stars.”