I’m sure there are lots of complicated psychological explanations for this behavior, but I’ve found that complaining generally is due to one simple reason: It works!
Parents eventually give in to stop their kids’ whining, or children get lots of attention as parents try to engage them in meaningless dialogues.
The solution is deceptively simple for younger children, if you follow these three steps.
1. Clearly define and help your children understand what you mean by “whining.” Give lots of examples, and do some role playing so that your kids really get it.
2. Don’t give in. Don’t reward complaining by giving your child what she wants. Your response should be to simply say “no whining.”
3. Be consistent. Many of the child psychologists in this country would be out of work if parents were consistent in their consequences. When whining doesn’t work, kids will stop doing it.
With teenagers, things get a bit more complicated. By that age, complaining can become an ingrained habit and also reflect a sense of entitlement.
My friend Terry told me about a clever website (www.givemore.com/) that had four very helpful suggestions for helping people complain less.
Try this with your teen.
1. Be aware. Teens first have to be cognizant that their whining is useless and a turn-off to others. They then have to figure out what situations prompt that behavior, so they can avoid those triggers or change their response.
2. Be thankful. I still begin every meal with my family by holding hands and saying something for which we are grateful.
3. Pause before you begin. “Clip a complaint as you feel it coming. Put a smile or thoughtful statement in its path. Blame no one. Blame nothing.”
4. Be accountable. This is all about focusing on what you can fix and ignoring the rest.
Teaching the value of thankfulness and accountability will help your kids throughout their lifetimes, and you’ll hear a lot less complaining around the house.
Gregory Ramey is a child psychologist and vice president of outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton.
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