No, that’s not possible. Crunch berries are a fruit. They grow on trees in humid climates, and the Cap’n and his crew sail there to pick them and bring them back for civilization to enjoy. And, in one of nature’s great unexplained miracles, crunch berries come in four different, yet suspiciously similar tasting colors.
You know, come to think of it, they do have more of a crunchy, cereal-like texture to them, but I just figured that was because they were the finest crunch berries money could buy.
Oh man, we’ve been duped. Next you’re going to tell me there’s not any actual froot in Froot Loops.
Maybe Federal Judge Morrison England Jr. was right when he recently dismissed a lawsuit from a California woman who claimed she was deceived into buying Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries cereal over a four-year period because she too thought crunch berries were real fruit.
Is it possible that the Cap’n is nothing more than the Bernie Madoff of breakfast cereals? People’s lives are ruined, their dreams of retiring to their crunch berry farm and living off the land are dashed.
For many, there is no “picking up the pieces.” It’s too late for them. After years of thinking they were subsiding on healthy fruit despite their morbid obesity, their world has been turned upside down.
If I have my druthers, Cap’n Crunch will lose everything, all the way down to his bi-corner hat. When I get through with him, he’ll be back selling bait out of a shack and using his boat for salvaging sunken scrap metal.
In his opinion, Judge England wrote, “As far as this court has been made aware, there is no such fruit (Crunch Berries) growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.”
No wonder people are so confused. Enough with your legal mumbo-jumbo. Give it to us straight, Judge.
“In this case, it is simply impossible for Plaintiff to file an amended complaint stating a claim based upon these facts,” England continued. “The survival of the instant claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense. The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen.”
Oh it doesn’t, does it? Well I guess we’ll just have to find a court that does. I am fed up. Enough lies. Looks like we’re left with no choice but to fight this all the way to the highest court in the land if need be.
And if Judge Joe Brown won’t hear the case, then we’ll try that “Supreme Court,” I guess. What channel are they on again?
I’ll be soggy if you don’t e-mail: entertainment weakly@yahoo.com
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