America needs a 5-to-10 minute nap

Life use to be so carefree and bubbleheaded.

Surely you remember.

Hoverboards were all the rage and everyone was worried about Beyoncé and Jay Z’s marriage.

And what of Solange? How can she complicate things?

You certainly haven’t fogotten when Kim K and Kanye were kind of kute.

With all the political discourse and scandal in the news, don’t you kind of miss those caramel-colored days of Jon and Kate’s epic divorce proceedings?

We did not know it then, but the Gosselins were giving us life.

*Applauds*

Instead what we get today is an endless barrage of important news that matters because it is so important.

There are Russians everywhere, investigations galore and talk of impeachment and witch hunts.

Where is Mel Gibson when we need him?

Can’t he do or say something crazy or otherwise offensive and issue a heartfelt apology?

If there was ever a time for some sort of paternity scandal, that time is now.

I am looking at you, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. It is sort of your turn to break our hearts.

Maybe Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get back together and break up again for the good of the country.

I am sure Jamie Foxx would understand. He’s a patriot.

Day after day of meaningful and important news makes one tired.

It is great that so many people are “woke,” as the kids say, but boy could we use a 5 to 10 minute nap.

Couldn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger father another housekeeper’s child?

Who would that hurt?

It isn’t like he is busy with “The Apprentice” anymore.

I just find it a little alarming that Miley Cyrus is so dang happy and quiet these days.

The Russians are probably behind it somehow. I am not accusing anyone of anything, but Liam Hemsworth might be a spy.

Justin Bieber seems to be cooling off, and that seems like either collusion or high crimes and misdemeanors to me.

I mean come on, I just read a story about the Biebs dancing around after drinking iced coffee.

What is happening to American democracy when that’s all that particular Canadian will give us?

Won’t some baseball team somewhere — doesn’t matter if it is major or little league — ask Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem?

Heck, ask her to sing anything.

Janet Jackson is due for a new wardrobe malfunction.

In fact, maybe it is Justin Timberlake’s turn.